Opening Weekend Meal: "Clash of the Titans"

^^^ The quick video review ^^^

Opening Weekend Meal: "Clash of the Titans"

Appetizer: “Clash of the Titans” was, basically, a Big-Budget 2 hour Porno…


Main Course: …So. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been looking forward to seeing this movie since I saw the trailer a few months back. Not because I believed it would have an amazing story or even good acting. I really wanted to be entertained by loads of action, CGI, and 3D.

No need to sugar coat it.

I mean, Sam Worthington is the lead actor. Nothing against the man but I’ve always found his performances to lack emotional connection. Anyways, when this weekend showed up, I was already sold on this movie. The first time I tried to watch, it was sold out. Today, I bought my tickets early. Even showed up to the theater early to get a good seat. A few people that sat around me, talked through the trailers…but they were pretty funny. At the least, I was assured this evening’s movie experience would be mildly entertaining due to the audience…

Movie starts…

A fisherman, Spyros (HEY! It‘s that one guy from “Lost World: Jurassic Park“, Pete Postlethwaite!), finds a box while at sea. He pulls it into his ship, opens it to revile a dead woman and baby but…oh, oh *he pokes the baby*

…OH THE BABY’S NOT DEAD!!!

He keeps him.

Skip forward, the baby is now an adolescent. His name is Perseus. While he helps his family, the sky catches his attention. He begins to hold his heart as he gazes, his father catches this. In this moment, Spyros tells him that his journey is out there where his eyes are fixated…but he won’t be able to go on it until he grows up.

No lie, old dude basically rambled on to him about a “journey”, that he wouldn’t go on until later, all based on little man looking at the sky. So now it‘s spelled out for us that Perseus has to go on a journey.

Skip forward, the adolescent is a young man. Perseus (Sam Worthington: “Terminator: Salvation”, “Avatar”) is a fisherman. While he helps his dad on the ship, it’s obvious that he is better and exceptionally stronger than his father. Shortly after, Spyros notices they haven’t caught any fishes. In a rage, he curses the Gods for their lack of food then he notices a statue of Zeus on a hill. He thinks of it as a sign. That thought runs short, when they realize men are in the process of tearing it down.

As soon as the statue falls into the water, something comes out…

IT’S HADES (Ralph Fiennes: “Harry Potter”, “The Hurt Locker”)!!!

While Hades suspends in the air, he has an amazing transformation into multiple flying creatures. These creatures kill all the men on the hill. During that process, he accidentally kills Perseus family.

Perseus screams, “NOOOOOOOO!!!!”

…This is about when my brain shut off. In that moment, I realize we, the audience, are in for “that” ride. You know. That auto-pilot trip, no twist, no turns, no surprises. Just a straight-forward, boring story until the exciting fight scenes.

ANNNNNNDDDDD…

I was right. The movie follows that same formula, about 20-25 minutes of “snooze” then 10-15 minutes of “WOW”, repeat, until the ending credits…

There is more to the story…but it’s so by-the-book that reading about it will bore you. Not to mention, I can’t talk about the cool scenes. Then you won’t be surprise with what the movie actually has to offer.

Trust me when I say, it’s formulaic.


Side Dishes:

“Why to watch that movie?”

• Cool CGI (especially in 3D).
• To see what all the fuzz is about.
• You really want to watch another “Sam Worthington” movie.
• You want to see another 3D movie, saw “Alice…”, “Avatar”, and “How to Train…” so this was the only one left.
• Three words: “Release the Kraken!”
• Had some pretty funny parts.

“Why NOT to watch this movie?”

• The acting was terrible.
• The dialogue was worst.
• Every scene was predictable.
• Not an equal amount of action in comparison to the down time.
• Movie tickets are expensive, and 3D cost 3-6 dollars more.
• 90% of the “pretty funny” parts…weren’t meant to be.

Dessert: Final Verdict - Tied (same number of reasons “to watch” as “not to watch”)

Tie-Breaker - Instead of me telling you whether or not to see this movie, allow me to explain why I compared it to a Porno.

You buy, and watch, porn for the performers and the action NOT the acting.

When the performers begin to read lines, “act”, 9 times out of 10, the mood is killed. From the dialogue in “Clash of the Titans”, one can tell this was not written to be an “Oscar-Winning” Epic…but it tried to act like one instead of giving people more of what they wants in the beginning, Action. In other words, CGI.

Look. If I’m going to be eye raped, at least give me two hours of poundage. Don’t try and sweet talk me.

All and all, “Clash of the Titans” was nothing more than a B-movie with a Blockbuster CGI/3D budget. Sadly, it wants to be more and that’s where it fails.